Prophetic Work

In a dream the angel said to me: “Lift up

O Man, prophetic voice to ask the world

‘Are you happy?’ Noting with compassion

The desperate dullness, unspoken in their eyes

Behind vehement affirmation.”

                                                            Why so shrill,

The gray voices of the elderly choir ladies,

Cracked, wavering, unmatched?

                                                        “You hear matter

Only, which has been only partially ruled

Since its Lord and Lady long ago

Abdicated their authority in rebellion

Surrendering to a spirit the world of things.

Atoms have not obeyed so well since then,

Atoms and the movements in between

In ear and air and throat.”

                                                Alas, I said,

Unruly matter! Such a clumsy tool

For so sublime a task.

                                       “Unruly matter?

Matter is innocent, docile to its law,

Perfect as ever it was. It is the spirit,

Unruly and therefore most unfit to rule,

Which bears the blame for this. The blame for all

Disharmony which plagues the life of man:

Unworship of molecular machines in cancerous cells, and

Of worms inside intestines, drinking blood, and

The preying of man upon his fellow man, and

The withering fear of being preyed upon, which

Shrinks the soul, bitters the tongue, pinches pennies.

The ownership of the poor by the middle class, who

Flatter themselves that they are not the rich, so

Not to blame.”

                        Complicit up to my eyeballs

I stood ashamed.

                              “Prophesy, O man,

And ask the world, ‘Are you happy?’ For all these crimes

Those curly heads and balding heads and gray

Trembling hands, enforce imperfect obedience

From dry larynx, arthritic knees, kyphotic spines,

Offering the very best of all their so,

So imperfect work. This we call “the Liturgy.”

Paradise Refused

I saw two young people wandering rich gray streets

Comely, well-fashioned with boredom in their hearts.

They met each other and had some empty chat

Before making love. Then, realizing they were naked,

They stitched together fig leaves into masks

To cover up their faces. By common agreement

They went their separate ways to hide, for he

Had heard the voice of God, calling from her sky blue eyes.

Original Sin: Well, Could be Worse

When talking about the idea of Original Sin, which is the idea that there is at the beginning of human history a sin which taints all subsequent generations, sometimes Christians are accused of an existential pessimism. This appears to be a doom-and-gloom outlook on life which is popularly supposed to rob us of all our joy. Far be it from me to deny that such may often be the case! However, in my opinion this is often merely a misunderstanding of an honest, but fundamentally cheerful outlook on life.

Christians, and indeed, all people who watch the news, are distinctly aware that the world is often an unpleasant place, rude, hateful, petty and sometimes just plain senseless. Where most people act shocked and ill-used, as if this were somehow a personal insult to them and often end up concluding that the whole thing was a bad business from the start, the Christian has the doctrine of Original Sin to fall back on. Something unexpected happened in an otherwise good and useful system, some person did something that made no sense, and it threw things out of whack. We feel the effects of it today, much the way a baby born to a crack addict will feel the effects of crack addiction. We even add to the effects. So much we admit. Life is often tragic, absurd and ugly, but surely the fact that we can recognize that argues a deeper awareness of joy, reasonableness, and beauty? And does not the awareness of that fundamental defect somewhat take the sting out of it?

Rather like two guests, both staying at the same out of the way, Mom & Pop Inn in Nepal may have totally different experiences because they have totally different outlooks. One is expecting a five star hotel, and is frustrated by rolling brownouts, unreliable internet, spiders in the bathroom, no menu to choose from, and 58 steps to climb just to get to breakfast. The other realizes that this is what it is, an out of the way, Mom & Pop Inn in Nepal. Given that realization it is not nearly so bad as it might be. We have power quite often, the internet sometimes works, the spiders don't bite (or at least haven't yet), the food is healthy, delicious and plentiful, and at least a little exercise is guaranteed every day, just getting to breakfast!

In the same way, when you finally accept the fact that the world has that existential flaw which we call "Original Sin," you are free to recognize that these flaws are evils in a good system. The world itself is not evil. Certainly as a paradise our world falls quite a bit short, but for most of us it certainly is not a hell either. As worlds go it might be much worse. All in all, I would say it is not that bad. Good still happens, surprising and yet refreshing when it does, indicating that redemption, though difficult and incomplete just yet, is perhaps possible. That, to me, sounds suspiciously like hope.

Come Examine

Daytime prayer from the Divine Office for today had a phrase in one of the psalm prayers that caught my attention: "Come, examine your Church and wash her clean of sin." When I read that phrase it hit me like a ton of bricks, effecting an instant paradigm change.

You see, when I read the first part my first reaction was one of fear. I recoiled. I don't want to be examined. For some reason I have always had a fear of anyone looking at me too closely, especially people I care about; most especially God. I am afraid of what they will see. There is a lot about me that I don't like. I expect others to dislike it as much as I do. I expect rejection, or condemnation. Especially from God, I feel like if someone else sees how unworthy I am, I will stand condemned.

The more I read and talk to other people, the more convinced I am that this is not an unusual feeling. In fact, I have come to believe that everyone in the world feels this deep seated sense of unworthiness. As in my case, growing up as I did with incredibly supportive parents who take immeasurable pride in every good thing I have ever done and never hesitate to tell me so, you would think if anyone would be free of it, I ought to be but that is not the case, because that is not the source. It is not a product of upbringing or childhood neglect or an insufficient education. All of these can compound or mitigate it, but the thing itself is much deeper. It is, quite simply, Original Sin.

It takes so many shapes, this existential shame. Every human being experiences it, because every human being, deep down at his core, is in fact unworthy. No one can be worthy of what we were created for. It is sheer gift, unearned and unasked for. In the beginning, in Eden, this unworthiness was not a source of shame, but of joy. Adam and Eve delighted to receive the gifts they had not earned, and joyfully accepted being eternally in His debt. That is our nature. We were created to be cheerful beggars.

Perhaps it was rejection of that joy, and seeking to be self sufficient, equal with God, that was the core of their sin. Certainly the first thing that they did after sinning was to hide. First they hid from each other by making clothes, and then they hid from God. Why? Their hiding was the root of our fear of being examined. We desperately want to be seen intimately and loved totally, and we desperately fear being seen intimately and found unworthy, rejected, or treated as an object. And because each human being is born with that deep seated awareness of unworthiness, we assume on some level that anyone who does really see us will see our unworthiness.

It takes many forms. The husband who can't understand why, no matter how many times he tells his wife that she is beautiful, that she is precious to him, she brushes him off or doesn't seem to believe him, but she gets upset with him if he never says it. This is because she deeply needs to be told that she is worthy but only one voice is strong enough to tell her permanently, and that is God's voice. That is why she needs to hear it from her husband, but his voice alone will never fully convince her. However, if his love is true love, meaning that God is teaching him how to love, then his voice will become more and more convincing, because more and more it will be God's voice speaking through his. The same is true for the husband who never believes he is good enough, or makes enough money, or whatever. He needs to trust that when his wife speaks to him out of true love, it is a way in which God speaks to him.

But when I read the second half of that phrase, "And wash her clean of sin," something shifted in my head and my eyes opened. I was willing to allow God to examine me, endure it as a necessity, but the prayer of the Church invites me to look forward to His examination and welcome it with joy and even eagerness. Why? Because the purpose of that examination is precisely to heal me of my sin. God wants to heal that deep, fundamental skew that makes me so afraid. The purpose of the examination makes all the difference, and His purpose is not to condemn. It has never been to condemn. It is to heal.

It is as if we said to the doctor, "No! Don't look at me! I am sick!" "Well of course you are sick, you dunce! And if I do not look at you, you will stay that way." In her daily prayer the Church is inviting me to trust in God's desire and ability to make me clean, and to be so eager for that cleansing that I accept, and invite, and welcome with open arms that vulnerabilityof being seen in all my naked unworthiness.

I wonder if that isn't what life is all about. Certain parts of it do seem to be in preparation for that vulnerability. Opening up and allowing friends to see into your heart a little bit; the nakedness of husband and wife, (physical and emotional); most especially the sacrament of Confession; heck, even the decrepitude of old age, and allowing someone else to wipe your but for you, if accepted graciously and joyfully, even that is a preparation for meeting God.

There is much to be learned from just that one phrase, but mostly I guess it can be summed up by saying, "Be not afraid."

He loves us.